I must not go a second longer without introducing you to my legend of a Grandma. On the surface, she is a sweet little old lady (80 years old). She has been widowed twice and is a solid Christian. She has artificial hips (recently replaced after 25 years!!) and stands at less than 5ft tall and enjoys an active social life (Happy Circle, the lunch club, Mother’s Union, church, Wednesdays for pensioners trips to TESCO and other such delights!!). At the grand age of 80 she still does her bit in church, reading sometimes (though you cannot see her behind the lecturn!!), praying, and even doing a talk to some group about the birds of the Bible! How cool is that?

But when Grandma eats a banana…. She becomes… RAD GRAN!!!! Or maybe when me and my brother Tim ask her nicely! I cannot embed this video as it comes from my brother’s phone, but it plays with QuickTime and you can download it here

Who would have thought that this sweet lady could come out with phrases such as “BO SELECKTA!” “RESPECT!” and “BOOYAKASHA!!”?? Or in the case of this video, “Yo! G-ma in da house, keepin’ da VIBE with ma illest homies!” Seriously have a look, that is what she says. How many people have got a video of their 80 year-old Gran doing THAT? I’m proud…

Cat fish or MONSTER?!? We bought this er… little fella when he was a squirming cute little nipper about an inch and a half long. “Ah that’s ok!” we gushed with a little too much confidence… He’ll only grow to about 4 inches!! Four inches came, went and we started to express just a little concern as he quickly began to outgrow the tank! Upon returning to the notorious ‘leading brand pet shop’, we discovered that Noah’s brothers and sisters were swimming happily around in the tank at a mere inch and a half. Had we purchased a MUTANT?!?! (see pic, he stretches from the bottom of the tank to the top of the water!!)

I glanced casually down at the fish below trying to look big and brave (this is where they keep the big human finger-eating fish that look like they’d rather like to eat you whole, starting with your private parts!) and I nearly jumped back with terror!! For there was Noah, only he appeared to have got glued to a magnifying glass and (perhaps this bit was my imagination) had huge menacing fangs!!! He was a whopping 50cm long!!!!

With a nervous gurgle we gingerly peeled back the now very obviously overlapping label only to discover that UNDERNEATH was an entirely different cat fish (which we had mistakenly purchased) that can grow up to 50cm!!! Now what do we do?!? Noah is growing, the shop assistant assured me that he is a vegetarian (praise the Lord! the crown jewels are safe!) and that he MAY grow in proportion to the size of the tank. I sure hope so. We will keep you informed….

…In the dark!! Yes, last night JT, myself, Al & George decided that it would be great fun to go off in their great big car to the pylons (like, innit!) to fly JT’s kite (in the dark!!) It was lots of fun, in true 1950’s fashion, the boys flew the kite whilst the girls sat and admired (or something like that?!)

When we had successfully flown the kite we sat on the tailgate of teh aforementioned nice big car (George and I sat in the boot!) and drank beer, smoothie and Coke and ate Vienese Whirls and peanuts! there’s none so random as a spontaneous night out! It was great fun and a nice refreshing evening.

Many of you have been wondering why I am ill all the time… I suffer from IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome - nice!!) to which there is not really any cure. 1 in 3 people have it nowadays, but mine is really quite accute. I don’t usually like to talk about it as it isn’t exactly a conversation starter and I regard it as just an annoying thing that I have. However, today it is getting me down a little.

These are the symptoms of IBS that I get, not ALWAYS all at once but one or more of them every day (I lifted them from a web site, forgive their grotesque nature!):

Severe bloating
Stomach cramping and intense pain
Episodes of constipation
Feelings of exhaustion
Classic lower back pain
Shooting pain in your hips and legs
Inability to mentally focus
Anxiety attacks
Changes in heart rate and light headedness

These all come and go very suddenly, so it is rather unpredictable. Essentially my intestines just don’t really do their job properly.

I woke up feeling like I had swallowed a ream of paper (imagine the weight in bloating), so today is quite a bad day. I finally struggled into work, walking through town clenching a stress ball as if nothing was unusual and feeling very anxious and very tired. It has been a bad phase recently. Still, I am here and as I reflect, I realise that my life is pretty great really! What am I moaning about? Still, at least you know now why I sometimes have to let people down last-minute. very sorry for that!

As I sat at my computer, dawdling away at magazine articles, I looked behind me only to observe the following sight… Ahhh… If you look carefully you may even see Marmalade the teeny bright orange guppy in the fish tank! Indeed, like Twinkle & Sparkle, the fish ALL have names too! Even the shrimps! xxx

This comedy item was observed by myself as sifting through eBay… I am now pretty convinced that I have seen everything!! Made by “Mockia Strange Telecom” this is a banana receiver for your phone. Check out the description: “

This is a genuine realistic faux plastic banana wired to work with your mobile phone as a plug in handsfree.
They may look like toys but they actually work!
This Banana style Pokia is the only one of its kind available anywhere - you cannot buy these in the shops, online retailers or anywhere else on eBay.
Be the first to get the newest novelty phone accessory.
These Mockia telephone treats are made from components specifically designed for mobile phone hands-frees.
They also come with a guarantee - they are all checked before they leave the factory by trained monkeys, but if for any reason they arrive faulty, return them within 14 days and they will be repaired or replaced free of charge.
See below for connection & compatibility for your make and model of phone.”

Trained monkeys would be an improvement on 02’s customer service (or lack thereof) UNtrained monkeys!

This is my second online mission project… I felt an urge to set up a church resource-sharing network, based on Acts 4:32 - “All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had.” What an inspiring verse! And how untrue of the church! Take your average comittee meeting… When is anyone ever “one in heart and mind”?!? The bit about not claiming your possessions as your own can also be a bit of a sticking point…

It strikes me that there is often not an awful lot of spiritual glue that holds the body parts of the church together and perhaps this massive network known as “the internet” might be a small drop in the ocean towards starting the support and unity mentality ticking. www.4-32.co.uk will be launching as soon as we have prayed about exactly what should go on there.

Ideas so far include a place where churches can give away or sell their unwanted equipment, an area to share talks and teaching notes, a place to find a church if you are moving house… People will be able to login and contribute, hopefully making this a place where people will share what they have. who knows? xx

This morning I am playing with imagery for a Path online magazine… Which brings me to my latest contemplation which has been going round in the back of my mind since Christmas… The concept of online mission. Everything else seems to operate online except for Christian mission… I mean, there is no shortage of Christian web sites or alarming notifications of going to hell, but is this the most effective way of building the church? God says “I will build my church” and if He says that He will, then I am under no doubts whatsoever that He will. “For when the Lord makes a plan, NOTHNG will stop it”. I may have taken liberties with the capital letters there, but that is how I read it.

Something strange happened to me at the beginning of the year… I was sitting in church listening to a sermon about how the world has become very self-obsessed. I was struck by this notion and was left with two words in my head which I knew the Lord wanted me to keep hold of: “Think other”. After processing this a while I realised that it was to be a web site and quickly registered www.thinkother.org (site not up yet). I realised that the most effective UK mission I have been involved with is The Noise. The reason for this appeared to be that people were encouraged to take their eyes off of themselves for a weekend and show all of their love to others. It gave them a strange sort of buzz, not a self-righteousness, but a wider perspective in which they were able to see God, because by adopting the attitude and character of Jesus for three days, they were open enough to connect with Him and explore this new lifestyle.

thinkother (the project) is going to be some kind of online mission (still praying it through) whereby people are encouraged to think other, from small acts of kindness to larger projects. Everyone wants to “change the world” and “make a difference”, but few really realise that God thinks in the same way and His instruments of use are us! He has far more potential to make a difference than we do alone and as we dig deeper we realise that we don’t do these things for a ‘feel good’ factor but instead as the focus comes off us, it becomes an act of worship to God.

I am still praying through this…

This is this morning’s musing/rant as I sit in Trinity office on my own!! Everyone is on holiday or at New Wine, so it is one of those peaceful days when you suddenly hear your thoughts jump out at you! I was just beginning to start on an e-magazine for The Path (a web site magazine) and beginning to think of articles. My first thought was to write about the revolution of MySpace and how it is destroying the music industry (ah well!) and revolutionising culture in one way or another. Then I began to think about the blog explosion and wondered exactly what it is that makes these funny old things appeal to us.

It is strange, at first I thought the idea of a blog to be terribly self-indulgent, a means by which you could have a conversation with friends where only your opinions mattered, because you were the only one to speak. Then I became fascinated by them, because I was able to get to know the people around me better, discovering that it seems to be much easier to excercise a degree of unreservedness when you are typing than when actually faced with real people.

I suffer from being terribly shy and awkward when talking to certain people face to face which can be terribly frustrating. It is as if people form an opinion of you which isn’t based on your true inner self and write you off with a kind of “ah well, never mind… Bless her.” Is this the state of all bloggers? Longing to be somebody? It is interesting to read what some people write. They seem to express emotions, a novelty in this emotionless culture.

I say emotionless, but the truth is that everybody does have emotions, only it is seen as awkward, a weakness even, to express them in any shape or form. To suceed in business, we are supposed to be shrewd, unbiased and to take abuse like sugar in a coffee. We are also supposed to have no form of moral conscience.

I remember talking to some young people about internet relationships. They do this thing called cyber sex, I mean, come on! How two-dimensional can we be?! Typed sex?!? In a box?? They told me it didn’t matter doing it, because it wasn’t real. What do they mean not real? Apart from the obviously lacking physical components, what does it do to your head? Then I remembered, it is supposed to be emotionless and conscience free. Sex or even adultery without guilt. However one thing you cannot change is soul-felt emotion and the human need to be loved.

This is why 12 year-old girls end up meeting up with 40 year-old men, because in the end it is not enough simply to be 2D. The need for physical human interaction re-occurs. Both characters want to be loved and the computer, the deceptive, concealing so-called ‘connecting force’ that leads to human happiness has done it again. In virtual reality both of these people were 24 years old. One was lean, athletic and romantic, the other sexy, slim and exciting. In reality they are two broken souls, silenced by an artificial freedom.

They trudge home, both slightly scared, both feeling slightly sick and hating their lives. We then remember a home truth. Whenever God makes something good, the devil twists it around for evil. The only one who can fulfill and sustain a relationship where you can talk without seeing is God in your relationship with Him. Nothing is like it, you can feel His presence in you, beside you, you can hear Him speak if you listen, you can talk to Him any time because He doesn’t have to be ‘online’, He can protect you, He can work miracles.

This almost sounds similar to the internet dellusion, only, it isn’t. So what do we conclude? It is hard to know… I would dare to suggest that sometimes where your greatest gifts lie, your greatest weaknesses are waiting on the flipside. For example, if you are a fantastic public speaker, you may also be a fantastic gossip or slanderer. The answer is to fight it. Be on your guard and choose God in every circumstance for “The Lord is my strength and my song”. If you are a great blogger then blog wisely and bless those who will read it. Represent God.

Get into people (as in, become interested in them). It is a shame that if anyone has a friendship with someone nowadays that expresses any form of vulnerability or emotion, it is gossipped about. Spend real time with people and, even if it is hard to know how, remove the facade.

Rant over and out.

Check out this new piece of software from sourceforge.net…. Freemind! Dave Wheatley discovered it and it is for making computerised mindmaps. Not only is it very useful but also very pretty! click here

Unfortunately blogger cannot accept the exported HTML version to show you an example so I am off to the geeky forums to find a way!!